So, this evening I'm having quite a hard time. Endlessly replaying Stevie Nicks in that moment of naturalness I discovered on YouTube - which is nice. I still want a fag, and I'm aware that she was probably on 30 Cools a day then, or something. But she looks happy, and I join her for a moment in her happiness and for that moment a twitching strung out moment goes by in peace. But it comes back.
Stevie also strongly reminds me of somebody who I wish I could contact - just to find out how she's getting on, you know? - but for various reasons, can't.
I've got the tight chest thing again too, the feeling that I'm just about to stop breathing, the feeling I only get when I stop and not when I am smoking, which is weird.
Hang on, I'm going to light a couple of joss sticks.
And slap some ylang ylang and patcholi on my wrist... and sniff. Ahhhhh. Lovely.
I am such a hippie.
Perhaps the tightness in my chest is just stress. I don't get stressed much. Perhaps smoking masked it.
It's so difficult to describe.
It's like a tightness
Perhaps it's just depression? There is a theory that people who find giving up smoking hard (people like me, who have given up dozens of times, and sometimes for years before backsliding) actually use smoking to mask symptoms of depression.
It doesn't seem to happen when I smoke, so it must have something to do with not smoking. So, of course, part of me thinks, yeh, go on, have a fag, feel better. But then if I am masking stress or depression, better to let it out and live with it than keep hiding it?
But then, perhaps, it's just some psychosomatic shit that's trying to make me smoke. Because it does make me want to smoke, so in that sense, it's quite successful. I will continue to fight it though.
Shame I don't drink, really.
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