Does it work (1) : Chewing Gum

I just mean plain old gum here, not Nicotine gum which for some reason I am afraid of.

Old people: remember when gum came in green, white or yellow and that was it? (Spearmint & Juicy Fruit but what the hell was the other one?)

Well I've got news for you. The gum market has exploded. There's maybe a square meter of it in any corner shop. They still tend to the green/blue end of the spectrum, but there's pink, red, black, yellow, orange. You can get mad flavours like cinnamon or cherry menthol, They are beautiful, shiny and neat as a packet of fags and a whole lot cheaper per hit. Some of the gums even have Benefits: they clear your airways, whiten your teeth, freshen your breath.

For a really extreme gum experience there is Trident Splash: crunchy pillows of gum with a runny bit in the middle, in combos like Strawberry and Lime.

So for an orally fixated quitter like me, gum seems to have a lot going for it.

And it has helped. But there are problems.

First thing: proper smokers tend to have an addictive style personality, I would say. So at first you can just pop in a single gumlet and chew idly for 15 minutes, dispose of it thoughtfully, wait an hour and repeat.

But soon that's not enough, you've ramped it up to 2 gumlets at once. Soon as the flavour starts to leave, need to shove another one in there. Before you know it you are chawing on an entire packet at once. And that's a lot of artificial sweetener and flavours for the system to take.

I woke up this morning with a gum hangover, a sort of nauseous memory of too much sweetness. (Not unlike the sensation of having just thrown up after a bottle of Southern Comfort, come to think of it).

The thought of even looking at my remaining gum stores makes me shudder. No gum for me this morning.

Which is a relief when we stop to review the other problem with hard-core gum-chewing. Look away, sensitive types. Whisper it: constant gum-chewing makes you fart. Not great big satisfying farts either, mean little farts.

All in all, though, I give gum-chewing 7/10.