I'm Still Here

Well, yes, Delightful Dolores, I'm still here. And I'm so glad you've found someone who willingly performs acts that I'm normally electronically ordered to do.

As to smelling fresh - not so much, I'm afraid. The intention is to refresh myself soon. But the anxiety attacks alluded to in a previous post didn't go away. So I thought I'd start smoking, as I was too anxious to go to the docs and get an SSRI to make me unanxious enough to get to the docs to get an SSRI in the first place. I am, frankly a mess. Still, nothing new there, eh. Mostly, I need never to hear again people burbling at me about HEA and IP addresses and network links and.... And it would be lovely never again to have to stand in front of somebody and spout a long string of acronyms which make sense to everybody in the room but when I leave after my contract ends will be no good to man nor beast. (Okay, HEA and IP will continue to have a currency, but I can assure you that there are many acronyms circling my head that will be of no use to anybody.)

Unfortunately, the thing I do is the thing I've done for the last 25 years, and I'm good at it, and can't really think what I'd do if I weren't doing it. That's not true - I can think of many things I'd like to do, such as writing, photography and music, but they won't earn me money in the short term, and I'm not rich. Still, only another 15 years and I can retire on my paltry pension.

So, the upshot is - I'm f*cked. Still, one lesson is that the smoking doesn't really help with the anxiety, so I might as well give it up again. So I will. Not quite today, as I like dates and milestones, but give it up I will.

Hence, the hiatus in the blog. Because anything I wrote would seem like one long whinge. Just like this, in fact, is. And although the "reasons why I resumed smoking" would have been a good topic for a blog post, such are the complexities of my life, they seemed to have little relevance to other quitters. So if anybody is still reading this but me, Dolores, and The Poet (and, of course, Tiger) my travails would have offered little insight.

So all I can say is: "Just say no".